Rodo's Journal

☞ I wanted to shake my Yuletide present this morning and discovered that my writer apparently defaulted because there's no gift uploaded for me yet. :-( Either that or there's a glitch in the AO3 software.

☞ I'm constantly tired at the moment. No idea why. It's just as if my mind never quite leaves this fuzzy state between half asleep and awake. And then there are these brief moments when I'm almost awake and should do stuff but they never last long enough. I suspect it might be low blood pressure again.

☞ Need to prepare for Christmas, mostly by buying food for four days. *sigh* My mother also threatened to send me a useful present, which is probably not the best idea ever. Her idea of a useful present are pans and pots and such and I absolutely hate getting useful presents from her because they tend to make me feel bad. The last time she tried it I would rather have had one present less instead of the one I got. It was a pot, and getting a pot as a Christmas present is really depressing. I'm afraid she bought an electric kettle this time, tbh, despite the fact that I repeatedly told her that I neither wanted nor needed one.

☞ Finally finished watching Jeeves & Wooster, which I loved, except that it's really difficult to keep track of all the characters. I frequently forgot about everyone but Jeeves, Wooster and Aunt Agatha.

☞ It's been a while. I'm feeling a bit better now, but the last weeks were rough. My depression was really bad, I had the first full-on panic attack in years and my phobias acted up. *sigh* I'm still not entirely back to my normal medium depressed state. I didn't get much writing done and there are still 05:04:47 left. No idea how much I'll write today and tomorrow.

☞ I actually did work on my Merlin fic for the first time in months. I realised it sucked and that it needs a major rework. ( Spoilers for recent episodes )

☞ I think I finally found out why disaster films don't work for me. It's not the wildly improbable natural catastrophes, because those aren't necessarily improbable at all, it's the wildly improbable ways in which humans conquer nature and stop the catastrophes. More often than not by using a lot of explosives. I would like them if they showed humans surviving the catastrophe, I wouldn't mind if they showed humans fighting to survive and dying (The Day After Tomorrow I liked, despite the unrealistic premise). I do mind the age old "conquering the wilderness" trope that crops up again and again. It's not only inacurate, it also reminds me of how humans treat their environment in other situations.

☞ Yuletide: I really hope my recipient will like my story, since I haven't written for the fandom before and couldn't research as much as I would have liked to. It also won't be as long and will end rather abruptly. But I'm confident because we seem to like similar stories and share a few quirks, despite not having any non-Yuletide fandoms in common. Now I only have to find a competent beta and brit-picker who knows the fandom. Or someone who can tell me if the story works once I've typed it up, at least. (Why yes, I still use pen and paper for writing.)

☞ I just had the worst day in about half a year. Which says something, considering that my good days are everybody else's worst days. It started totally promising, of course, with eumelkeks liking the Good Omens fic I wrote (it's in English, btw), Star Trek being delivered and hardly having any problems at all with shopping for groceries. I hadn't felt that good in weeks. And then I spent the rest of the day sobbing, hyperventilating and wishing I would die already. I hate my life (I realise it's the second time I said this today). *sigh* If you have any ideas how to cheer me up (since it's unlikely that I drop dead spontaneously), I'd be grateful. Cute animals don't work at all, though.

☞ In other (happier) news: The Archive of Our Own is going into open beta soon, and since I already have an account, I might get invites to share. Anybody interested or does my entire flist have an account already?

☞ Writing month project isn't going so well, obviously. I didn't write anything at all today.

☞ For those of you who have my phone number: don't call me unless you told me so via e-mail before. The phone is turned off for the time being. I try to avoid any incidences like the one that led to my breakdown today.

☞ Unrelated just plain weird phone stuff: I got an SMS by a couple who wanted to have hard SM sex with me. They apparently got the phone number off a toilet door at some rest stop at an autobahn. Either they mistyped the number or I really don't want to know who had my number before me. It isn't as funny as the woman who wanted to schedule a manicure with me and wouldn't let me tell her that I wasn't who she thought I was, though.

☞ I think my city has a problem with vermin. I seem to see rats every few weeks now, when I didn't see any for years before. I don't really mind so much, because I think rats are cute and they are among the animals that don't scare me at all, but it really gets you thinking.

☞ Yesterday, Jehovah's Witnesses paid me a visit.
( They gave me a flyer. )
I can't help it; I ship it.

☞ eumelkeks is looking for people interested in her comment porn entry. You can leave a prompt and/or write a short fic for someone else.

☞ I actually really cooked today. Like ... something that is warm when you eat it. Nothing fancy, just potato stew (if stew is the correct translation for Eintopf, that is), but hey, warm food that isn't take-away, from a can or microwaved.

☞ Writing project is still going so so. 11:30:44 left, and at least I managed to work on Stigmata quite a bit. Now the chapter only needs a second beta and it should be done. Only took me about a year. *sigh*

So, my sleep rhythm is out of whack again. This means that I sleep more or less the whole day. I was particularly tired today, so I slept during the opening hours of every shop. No biggie, I thought, after all I still have enough food for the night, I can go in the morning.

No. I can't. Tomorrow is a holiday where I live (and hardly anywhere else), and all the shops are closed, except for the ones at the station. Which means I'll have to stay up for at least six hours longer and fight my way to the shops because everyone else who forgot to buy something will be there too. People always act as if it's the apocalypse on those days. Then I have to carry all the stuff home again. And it's not as if I can just wait a day, because shops are closed on Sundays too.

The German Ladenschlussgesetz is a pain. Happy Reformation Day to me.

ETA 09.10.31: Turns out every shop but the grocery shops is open there. *sigh* Lets hope the Döner shop is open most of the day tomorrow.

☞ Okay, so my computer crashed. I finally ruined the poor thing. Anyway, I had to buy a new one, and I still haven't managed to save my data and install all my programs. Hopefully soon. Also: Vista looks pretty, but is a bit difficult to handle.

☞ Supernatural keeps being awesome. ( Spoilers. )

☞ New and better computer means finally being able to play videogames I wanted to play for a long time. Which is what I've been doing, since my beta is still working on my stories and I don't feel like starting anything new while so much is unfinished. Anyway, I'm playing Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, which will probably keep me busy for a while. If anyone has recs for games that don't require more than a 2,1 GHz processor, I'm all ears.

☞ The current season of Heroes is actually somewhat okay. ( Minor Spoilers. )

☞ Today is our national holiday. I just had Merkel's speech on (mute - because I can't keep my mind on whatever she's saying for more than half a sentence anyway), but I'm really, really unenthusiastic about it. Maybe it's the somber organ music my neighbour is playing. Maybe it's the election results. Four years of CDU/CSU and FDP in power is looking so great right now. *sigh* At least the people in my village voted for the left parties with an overwhelming majority (not really news, we are a leftist enclave). Shows that there are some sane people left, and maybe the results will mean that the Linke will finally be accepted as an existing political party. With possibly constructive ideas! Only took, what, twenty years?

So, my mum's visiting again at the moment. We went shopping and she bought me a lot of shiny new things, for example:

• A new coat. I really needed one. The old jacket is practically ancient. And the zipper didn't work properly anymore.
• New jeans that actually fit.
• A sweater. Now I own ... three that I can actually wear outside, the others are ugly.
• A lovely new shirt.
• My favourite biscuits. I would share, but I've never met anyone who's as fond of them as I am.

I also have a new haircut. It's short, and I like it. I really hated it when my hair was in the way all the time and wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. My hair is really stubborn (the hairdresser agreed, we were there over an hour), and no matter how lovely long hair might look with my hair colour in theory, it needs a crazy amount of work.

We also went to Burger King, because I insisted. I've been reading a lot of Supernatural fic, and Dean is very, very fond of fast food. So I got kind of hungry. I even dreamed about fast food.

☞ First of all: Happy birthday lian!

☞ I finally finished watching the first season of Legend of the Seeker. I only watched it because some people insisted it was awesome and ... it was not. It is standard fantasy. It has more Luke I Am Your Father moments than I care about. Which is strange, because I love the trope and some others that were used and not one of the managed to really pull me in. It tries to be serious and it just doesn't work, and it isn't cracky enough to match Xena. About the only thing halfway attractive about the series is the main character who spends lots of time without a shirt.

☞ I wrote a little over a page yesterday. It's crappy, has nothing to do with my ongoing projects and is very much unlike anything I normally write, but it's something. Now all it needs is a plot.

☞ I'm still feeling down, especially because I haven't been able to sleep much thanks to the weather. Hot and so humid walking feels more like swimming is not fun.

☞ Still didn't watch the last episode of Torchwood. At the moment, I really don't want to, to be honest.

☞ Why can't my headaches stop for more than a day? *sigh* I hate the weather.

☞ I never thought a fanperson could annoy me as much as this one. Seriously, she insists she finished university (and therefore knows much more than the rest of us idiots), but I'm wondering how she managed. University requires you to articulate coherent thoughts. She can't even ask the question she wants to ask.

☞ My muse is deader than a doornail. I really need a new one. I wish I could write and I really need to write, but I just can't.

☞ I started re-reading Good Omens for books. The next time I read it I will mark all my favourite quotes. And when I have money I will buy a hard cover copy as well.

☞ Sent the letter with my vote for the elections yesterday and hope I sent it in time. Voting by mail is always such a hassle. But I do it anyway because being able to vote is a great thing that many people just don't appreciate enough.

☞ I need something to do.

• Today is my mother's birthday and she's visiting me at the moment, which is the reason why I've been a bit absent lately. Well, that and the fact that I had a breakdown on Monday thanks to PMS and waiting almost an hour and a half at the doctor's only to be told to come again next week. Oh hell, no!
• My muse is dead. I prodded it and tried to resuscitate, but nothing helped. No new fic or other creative effort from me for a few months at least, it seems. Probably longer.
• I just can't get rid of the two invite codes.
• Watched Slumdog Millionaire yesterday and liked it. It reminded me more of City of God than a Bollywood film. I want the soundtrack.
• Does anyone know why the LibraryThing widget won't work in my profile?
• Were there any good fics written for the H/D Worldcup this year? I have one in my recs, but I gave up on the others after a while.

I'm making this list more for myself than for you, since I have a serious problem of getting things done at the moment (depression, yay!), I hope crossing them off a list will help at least some. And hopefully it will keep me from getting too distracted.

( List under the cut )

I'll add things when I remember them.

I think I finally found out what I hate most about spring. Yes, I am one of those few people who don't feel the sudden need to get outside and spent time in the sun. Instead, I'd rather lock myself away in my room and ignore the whole thing.

I have allergies and really, sun isn't lots of fun if you're as pale as I am, and I rather prefer an arctic climate, but I think I hate the smells the most. Once the temperature rises about 15°C, everything starts to smell. Well, "stink" would probably be a better word. The plants, the earth, the stones, the asphalt. Urgh! I know some people don't react the way I do, but to me it's as if I was surrounded by tons of people who put on too much perfume.

English:

Well, needless to say, I haven't been well. I hope I can sort it out some next term. I at least managed to go to a doctor and got a note which allowed me to take a break from university. And I handed in a homework today which I hope will find its way to the lecturer (secretaries at my university always get ill when students have to work on a deadline) and that she will be okay with ten pages plus bibliography instead of ten pages including bibliography. *sigh*

( Fic Progress )

Deutsch:

( Ein neues Rating auf ff.de )

Sorry flist, I had to get this off my chest. Again.

I haven't updated in a while, haven't I?

Well, I've been depressed, still am, and everything sucks. Except my NaNo story, surprisingly. I've got 30.000 words already, half of them written in an effort not to get a nervous breakdown again (failed last weekend on that).

I should do stuff for university, but I just can't. Great, just great. I could really use the support of my family right now, but I can't talk to them anymore because they seem to think the words "I'm sorry" should magically eradicate the fact that they hurt me. Well, it's not that easy, three words are just not enough for this one. And they apparently don't want to make an effort.

I started the new term the best way possible: with a nervous breakdown and half an hour of sleep. Really, I am so fucking sick of university, I have never been this close to just quitting before. Why is it that the university seems to hate its students so much? Or is it a clever way of training for the life after?

On a lighter note: Leipzig has its first Starbucks. Right next to one of the university building. I just couldn't help myself and bought a Frappuchino today. I am an addict, I know.

Oh, and I want my nice northern German weather back (like stereotypical English weather with less fog and more wind). Two weeks ago it was almost freezing and now I am sweating in my T-Shirt.

So, my flatmate just informed me of the fact that she will be moving out next month.

It's not as if this is totally inconvenient to me, since I've been debating for ages if I should and how I should tell her. I had not decided anything, and in any case, I intended to speak with her about it, because she's my friend. At least I kind of thought that she was one of my best friends. And I really thought we could work through the problems we were having (= the problems I have with her), but I guess not. I'm pretty sure we're not friends anymore, and that feels kind of weird.

Oh, for the record, the major problem I had with her was the fact that she made all the decisions on her own. I was definitely not amused when she informed me that she would paint the kitchen, for example, but my opinion apparently didn't count.

It's really weird losing a friend like this. Normally it's more of a process, or a really big argument, but this is neither.

Okay, so I should be writing my essay, which is supposed to be 20 pages long in the end. I theoretically have to have finished it in 15 hours. I am currently on page 8. Of course, I am frustrated as hell at the moment. Really, I have some very unpleasant quirks when it comes to writing.

First of all, when it comes to ideas, I never have any problems with the end or the beginning. The first three pages of the essay, for example, only took me one hour to write (and that was more than a week ago). But the middle... I fucking hate it. At the moment, I am struggling with every single word. Because I have this other quirk: Most people seem to be able to write parts of a story and then jump from beginning to end to middle and so on. I'm not. I have to write these horrible parts before I can start with the fun ones, otherwise I can't write them either, and believe me, I tried.

The other people in my little writing group have other problems, so I won't be the only one who hasn't finished the first draft by today, but still...

reached page 9... 11 more to go and still virtually no time *sigh*

Okay, so the last two days weren't really much fun, and it does not seem like RL's going to get any better for the time being. In consequence I decided to spend a bit fun-time online and all I found was this. And it got me thinking:

Does the fact that I don't care about one of my favourite characters insulting women make me a bad woman? Because really, I don't. The only thing I really disliked about season 3 is the fact that they had the chance to introduce some wonderful female characters and screwed up. I want Jo and Ellen back.

Okay, so I've been suspiciously absent lately. For several reasons:

One of them would be the new PS3 my roommate brought with her when she came back form the US. Of course, she also bought a really big TV to use it and a few games, one of which is called The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I am hopelessly addicted, even though I am not actually good at it. I just love the fact that I can do whatever I want. If only I didn't such at fighting this much...

Another would be university, sadly. I would have liked the holidays to be a bit longer, especially considering that I spent part on it on pain killers and anti-biotics because of my operation (nothing serious, just my wisdom teeth). It was fun, well, if I were a masochist. The doctor's assistant at the second try (During the first one I found out that local anaesthetics apparently don't quite work on me.) just said that apparently I have very sensitive nerves in my mouth. I had already figured that out because I was in pain despite the anaesthetics and the pain killers... anyway, now I'm more or less okay again and back at university. Which means books, translating poems and a lot of group projects at the moment, though I am not doing as much as I should.

And of course I am working on my essay for the Japanese Photography Project I am part of (whenever my roommate wants to play herself). It's mainly reading at the moment. The photographer I am writing about wrote a book about himself, and it might actually be useful to me, if I was interested in ancient Japanese history or poems (really, this term, I might suffer a poems overdose). But since I am not... I really hope I'll find some nice quotes.

Other recent fannish addictions: Supernatural, tie-in novels and a K-Dorama called Coffee Prince. And I rediscovered Dark Angel.

Seems like I haven't updated in ages. Again.

This time, there's a simple reason for that: I was busy.

( NaNovember )
( December )

Happy New Year to all of you,

rood